Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte

charlotte original photo

(from the 2016 season)

Listen Charlotte, the rest of us had a nice thing going here for quite some time before you came along.  Now here you come thinking you can turn things upside down.  Well, anyone with proper manners would know the regal bloodlines.  They start in Western Kentucky and curve through Southern Mississippi.  None are found in North Carolina.  

Got that?

So why are you now thinking that you have risen to our level so soon after joining our CUSA group?

You know what I think, sweet Charlotte? I think it’s time you just settle down some.

Stop interrupting our plans and, above all, don’t think that your silly 2-2 success means anything to us.  If you think that, then you’re even more reckless and impetuous than we imagined and that is more reason for you to just take your place at the end of the line and wait your turn — like any other newcomer would.

And dear Charlotte, be mindful that some of us have been here for over 100 years! We’ve paid our dues. Some of us have hardly ever seen bowls yet you think you should just come in here and grab one now? Hell, we didn’t suffer to pave the way for someone like you to just waltz in here like some prima dona, belle of the ball.

We’ve battled for bowls. We’ve bled just to do without. We’ve suffered the days of the Cigar Bowl (1954), the Salad Bowl (1955), and the Refrigerator Bowl (1956). And what for? So that you can come here and tell us that the folks in Birmingham are thinking of breaking up with their sweetheart in San Antonio (UTSA) and take up with you instead?

Tsk, how delusional you’ve become in such a short time!

Yes, we know you built fancy new digs with modern gadgets, but can’t you see how those lose luster in the shadows of our historic façades?

Sweet Charlotte, we’re “old money”. You can never be that.

And yes, we know about Brad Lambert (coach). We’ve heard of him and I suppose you think we’re jealous. Hardly. In fact, we’re suspicious! Rumors have it that you went to the boonies and stole him from Wake Forest for a measly $250,000.  Pshaw, that’s a bad beer day in our tailgates. 

All too soon Mr. Lambert will learn that his sweet Charlotte has a history. Oh yes! Don’t think we didn’t know! You had a fling with this football thing once before, now didn’t you? Back in the ‘40’s.  You dipped your toe in the pigskin waters and ended your program almost before it began.  Such a tawdry mess. 

If it didn’t work then, why do you think it will work now?

No Charlotte, I think it’s best for you to just play it safe, settle down, and become the wallflower that we all expected you to be.

The time has come for you to sidle on over and sit in the shadows and stop this silly nonsense that maybe your time has come to join the dance.

No sweet Charlotte. Instead, the time has come for you to put an end to your crazy bowl delusions and for heaven’s sake, stop creating such a ruckus.

Yes precocious Charlotte, the time has come.

Now, hush, sweet Charlotte.


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